Either Or Haiku to Edit 01 Results
Global Haiku • Millikin University • Fall 2023
hundreds of water droplets silence in the house edits & responses: I think I like the first one better because it isn’t necessarily about a shower, even if that’s what it originally meant to me. I think people can go more ways with the first one than with the second one. Cami Jones, Fall 2023 I appreciate how different these two are, though they can technically be connected. The first one is distinctly vague and allows for the reader to put a lot more meaning or interpretation onto the subject matter as they read through it. For example, when I first read it, my mind immediately went to the idea of someone lying in bed and listening to the sound of rain pelting against their window. Whereas with the added context of the second version of this poem, the context changes- someone is showering late in the evening, or wanting to, at least, and the darkness from the first version of the haiku is no longer from lying awake at night trying to sleep, but instead from the midnight whispers of rain that one navigates through as, by the end of the day, they are able to quietly shower without the fear of being disturbed or using up all the hot water. Personally, I like the second one due to its clearcut directive, but I find that its provision of context or the establishment of a storyline for the first one is where it really excels. They are connected and shine in different ways, both to be appreciated, but I relate more to the second one because I often have so much to do in my day that I take my showers at midnight, and I appreciate that someone else does, too. Skylyr Choe, Fall 2023 |
the blue hue peeking from the shutters edits & responses: I love the second version of this haiku, it conveys a complete different emotion and vibe than the first one. The imagery of the first one is beautiful and very similar to the second haiku, but I love the order the second haiku goes in. First I see light peeking out of the shutters, then I can clearly see the pale blue that peeks out, and then I can feel the person realize that they have stayed up til the sunrise again. The first one reiterates that series of motions, but in a different order that doesn’t give me the same beautiful imagery I get from the first one. Anna Quick, Fall 2023 the blue hue I like the perspective of this haiku: despite being about insomnia, it talks not about the night but about the blue daylight. It personifies the light to show the author's disdain or shame for being awake still. I relate to this haiku since I struggle with insomnia myself. I especially like the rhyme scheme with "blue" and "hue". Kaia Garbacz, Fall 2023 Since the poem personifies the "blue light" from the window, it is better when that subject is directly defined as opposed to being implied like in the first one. It feels more direct and therefore allows the reader to reach the meaning faster. Kaia Garbacz, Fall 2023 from the shutters
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long way to go long walks to class edits & responses: My preference for the second one really just comes down to you just cutting down a lot of the fatty words and phrases present in the original post. I do think you could take out the class part though and have something like: long way to go Its much more simple in message but I feel effective. Elijah Jamison, Fall 2023 long way to go long walks |
hurtful words hurtful words edits & responses: words will never hurtful words
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dreams broken dreams fade edits & responses: For this haiku, I would edit it to say the following because I feel the first two version are too “matter of fact.” I like the ideas presented in this haiku, but wanted to switch around the words so there was less jargon and it got to the point faster. I like the ambiguity in my version! Leah Flint, Fall 2023 fading fantasy
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a full moon a full moon edits & responses: I think that having "but" be on a line by itself adds more thoughtful pause which is answered by the last line. It implies the feeling of disappointment sufficiently without saying it explicitly. It allows the reader to ponder on the writer's emotions about the moon. Kaia Garbacz, Fall 2023 |
sacrificed like a pawn both a pawn and a king sacrificed like a pawn rsponses & edits: Of these two haiku, I prefer the second version. I enjoy the descriptive words in the first version, but I feel they clutter the poem. I like the “ends in a draw” at the end of the second haiku, because it’s more finite and is a more satisfying ending to me. Leah Flint, Fall 2023 I think both of these are equally creative in their delivery of the idea that a child is caught in the middle of their parents’ squabbles or divorce proceedings- feeling like a pawn in the endgame for each opponent. I think there is a clever way to end this one with some similar terminology for the chess euphemism. For example, changing one of the lines within the ending of each to include the word “stalemate” would really enhance the allusion to a game of chess. Something like this: both a pawn and a king |
cool rain touches cool rain responses & edits: Both versions of this haiku are amazing, but I prefer the second one! The second version of this haiku seems a lot more happy, and I prefer happier haikus. But “forgotten umbrella” seems so sad compared to the happy “I’m glad I forgot my umbrella.” I also like the work “touches” taken out of the second version of the haiku, “on warm skin” gives such a different vibe than “cool rain touches.” I think that the omission of the word touches allows for the more wordy end of the second version of the haiku. Anna Quick, Fall 2023 from the shutters cool rain neglected umbrella cool rain |
a gift from a mother gift from my mother edits & responses: a gift from my mother |
© 2023, Randy Brooks • Millikin University
All rights returned to authors upon publication.