Haiku to Edit 2 - Edited
Global Haiku • Millikin University • Fall 2023
warm apple cider wide smiles
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going to the bonfire late night bonfire |
researching ways autumn bonfire lurks in my hair autumn bonfire autumn bonfire Hey Alexa smoke scent clings |
innocence jumping in leaf piles jumping in leaf piles photo tucked in my pocket This haiku was my favorite to edit because I loved taking the longer phrases and finding a way to simplify it without losing any of the meaning. For me, a haiku is best organize when the first line introduces the main idea/setting of the haiku. By placing the photo in the first line, it puts the focus on what the photo represents and allows the following lines to reveal more about this photograph’s story. I love the idea of carrying a photo around with you to remember a small moment, and I think by putting that in the first line, it gives it the sense that the photo is always in your pocket and you are always aware that it is there. Tanner Essex, Fall 2023 innocence in leaf piles jumping in leaf piles I love how my group edited this one. Initially, it started off a little long and wordy. We wanted to keep the presentness of this haiku and how they want to immortalize this moment. We also needed to keep the word innocence in here because it seemed like the word this haiku revolved around, but we wanted to physicalize it more, so we decided to keep the innocence in the pocket as if it was like she took a photo of it. We rearranged some words and cut others to simplify it. Bella Birdsley, Fall 2023 my innocence The edited version is much more concise and open-ended than the first. It still keeps all the details: an innocent childhood where one had fun in the autumn leaves and took a picture to remember the fun moment by. This haiku overall has a very playful and nostalgic tone, though the addition of "innocence" brings a sad tone into it. Kaia Garbacz, Fall 2023 My group wanted to emphasize the photo in the pocket but was unsure how to portray that. Madelyn came up with the idea that “to-go” could replace “pocket” and make it more playful like the rest of the poem. We decided against polaroid because it’s too modern and not many people carry polaroids around. We also added “my” to innocence and “leaves” instead of leaf piles. I enjoy the simplicity of leaves rather than piles and emphasis on “my.” Eden |
I turn my head seeing you |
compassionate God is my lifeline I loved this haiku before I edited it but I like it even more with my addition. When I edited this I switched around the words and added one of my favorite things to the beginning. God is my lifeline and is something I can not live without. This haiku makes me feel good and reminds me of God's compassion and understanding for everyone. Kailyn Coates, Fall 2023 |
my summer sun on the cloudiest day my sun you feel like |
a gaggle of witches cackling between houses |
apples grown full grown apples freshly picked apples |
store bought apples fresh from the orchard
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open dresser drawer a swarm of silly colors a neon fish tank |
family and children bumpy hayride
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my age turns with a leaf another birthday another season change my birthday alone alone . . . a new leaf turns I like this edit because the metaphor of nature continues as the lines increase. So, although the two metaphors don’t necessarily go together, they are within the same theme. The first two lines are two ways of saying that the years are moving on. The changing of nature indicates this. However, the life of the person is not evolving how they planned. The tree metaphor signifies that this is that person’s birthday as well without having to explicitly say that. |
snag in your sweater |
wind blowing icy wind blows wind chills My favorite of these edited haiku list the one about jumping into the leaf pile. My dad, sister, and I used to rake leaves every falls and make huge piles to jump into. It was so much fun and we looked forward to this in this season! It tricked us into doing actual chores. Mary Grace Gallagher, Fall 2023 forgotten jacket |
light up ghost light up displays light up ghost I love the thought of “light up ghost” and “flicker”. I think it creates a beautiful image and it works both ways with the flickering lights but also with it being the first glimpse of fall. I think that it added just what it needed to make it all connected, but also to create a clearer picture. Cami Jones, Fall 2023 My favorite haiku that my group edited was the last poem in this trio. It’s a charming poem, to begin with, but we all agreed that it was missing something. We wanted to mostly change up the ending. Hannah came up with “flicker of fall” to add to the end, and I really liked that alliteration. It’s also a bit of a play on words since the poem's first verse talks about a light-up ghost. It’s a very nostalgic fall poem because I know it’s time for fall each year when my neighbors put up their Halloween decorations, usually quite early in the season. It mentally prepares me for the time of the year and what’s to come! Leah Flint, Fall 2023 This edit is my favorite edit we made. We didn't change anything in the first two lines, because it didn't need it. Just changing the third line let us keep the integrity of the haiku and just add to it. I think we were able to capture the "happy fall" in our third line here as well. We showed this instead of saying it, which I think helps here a lot. Hannah Smith, Fall 2023 |
cable-knit sleeves |
a red letter day a red letter day |
© 2023, Randy Brooks Millikin University
All rights returned to authors upon publication.