midnight stars
I stopped counting
with your kiss

midnight stars
I stop counting
with your kiss

sunny open field
blanket sprawled out
pbjs and milk

sprawled out
under the sun
a wicker basket

We wanted to keep the sunny setting and that warm feeling. But we thought that, blanket sprawled out, could have been worded a little better, so we wanted to get rid of the blanket and just say sprawled out. Now we felt that this is a more relaxed atmosphere. The final line “pbjs and milk” didn’t flow with the rest of the haiku, but we wanted to keep the picnic part of it. So we wrote “a wicker basket” to just let the reader use his/her imagination to have which ever food they would want or eat at a picnic. Matt

blanket sprawled out
underneath the sun
first picnic

a plastic bag billows
in the wind
your ghost tethered to my feet

a plastic bag billows
my feet
at your grave

a plastic bag billows
ghost
in the graveyard

the priest's back
circumstance
forces them to listen

the light fragrance
of berries and sweat
we haven't even started

picking raspberries
in a sweaty t-shirt
we haven't even started

the sent
of berries and sweat
we haven't even started

scent
of berries and sweat
we haven't begun

the light fragrance
of raspberries
sweat on my brow

what is heard
not what is said
disappointment

coffee grows cold
words unspoken
disappointment

what is heard
not what is said
coffee grows cold

Our group worked with this haiku extensively; however, I was not satisfied with our final edit. We ended the class period with "coffee grows cold / in unspoken words / disappointment." I feel that "what is heard / not what is said" is an integral part of the poem and to change it would be to change the meaning of the poem entirely. On the other hand, "disappointment" seems too vague. One of my group members, Ashlee, came up with the line "coffee grows cold" as we worked during class. I absolutely love this line; it not only gives the reader an established setting, but also implies a feeling of disappointment in an artistic way. The person may not only be dissatisfied with his coffee, but also the stale conversation that accompanies it. Laura

she peels off her zoo shirt
sighs with relief
the fan caresses her hot body

hot July day
peeling off her shirt
the fan caresses her body

clothing peeled away
sigh of relief
fan caressing her body

sigh of relief
fan caresses
silken skin

sweltering July day
peeling off her uniform
a sigh of cool relief

soft rustling
he clasps her hand
a lone red coal

a lone red coal
in the ashes
he squeezes her hand

a lone red coal
in the ashes
her hand in his

a lone red coal
in the ashes
she takes his hand

soft rustling
he clasps her hand
a lone red coal

popping campfire
and a lone, red coal
he clasps her hand

the tide draws back
two small hands
hunt for hermits

the tide draws back
sandy hands
hunt for hermits

the tide draws back
hands in sand
hunt for hermits

tide draws back
small hands
hunt for hermits

tide draws back
small hands
search for hermits

the tide draws back
two small hands
hunting for hermits

This haiku could use some cutting, replacing, and adding. It could use one more descriptive word that can invigorate the senses a bit more. You can hear the tide draw back and smell the ocean air. However, I’m not sure where the small hands are hunting for the hermit crabs. I added “in the sand” to add dexterity to the imagery. You can’t find the crabs in the sand until the tide draws back. I cut “two small” in favor of the rhythm from “hands in the sand.” Zack

the tide draws back
hands in the sand
hunt for hermit crabs

toilet paper
flies
moonlit silhouette

moonlit outhouse
toilet paper,
flies

bare branches
toilet paper soars
over the moon

toilet paper ripples
silhouetting
moonlit branches

sunny morning
the charred face of the doll
remember

breaking dawn
only the charred face
remains

backyard pool
the orange Kool-Aid
bleeds into blue

backyard pool
the spilt Kool-aid
bleeds through the water

calm backyard pool
orange Kool-Aid
bleeds into blue

This one I didn't edit as much, just a little to evoke more of a sense of the water and the feeling of the two colors blending. Ashlee

backyard pool
orange Kool-Aid
bleeds into blue

eyeing red berries
beneath the wide brim
of Grandma's hat

Although this haiku does evoke a sense of place, it doesn't do much for the other senses. Only one sense of color is shown, and not much else is explained. In the edited version, I added a feeling of sense of touch, the cool shade, and the feeling of plump berries instead of just red. Ashlee

cool shade of Grandma's hat
reaching out
for plump, juicy berries

I feel that this haiku would fare better with a setting and description, rather than an action

Grandma's hat--
beneath the brim
red berries

front porch
each week
a new baseball cap

every Tuesday
front porch
a new baseball cap

every Tuesday
front porch steps
glove in hand

I absolutely love the image I get with this haiku: a little boy waiting on the porch for his weekly baseball game.   However, the last line confused me.   Does the boy wear a new hat every week, or does this line hint to the reader that the little boy is waiting anxiously to be picked up for his game? I felt that it is supposed to imply the latter; thus, I tried to change "each week" to something a bit less generic and changed it's location within the poem order to clear up the confusion that I had. As is evident, I made two revisions; one sticks more to the original form, while the second haiku incorporates my own feelings / experiences a bit more. Laura

old rusted hook
on the front porch
a new baseball cap

or

front porch, waiting
this week
a new baseball cap

muggy afternoon
the child waits
a new red cap

little legs push
through tights
funeral flowers

creek wading
sandy mud filled shoe
stuck forever

wading in the creek
toes filled with mud
imprints forever

I think perhaps this haiku can be cut down just a bit; both the wading and the shoe, I think, are a bit too solid. I also reverse the order of the last two words to allow the word "stuck" to leave an impression in the reader's mind

wading
a mud-filled show
forever stuck

This haiku could use some rearranging, cutting, and replacing. It’s a great image to start off with but the words were not exactly the ones I would have used. It needs more words that give the senses something to work with. I rewrote the entire haiku to try and provide a better sensory experience.

wading in the creek
sandy shoes
swallowed by mud

You can feel the cool water against your legs and feel the gritty sand inside your shoes as you wade in the water. Suddenly, you feel a slurp and you can’t seem to move your feet. The mud in the creek bed has swallowed your shoe and you have to remove your foot from the shoe before you sink further in the mud.

wading in the creek
my mud filled shoe
lost forever

creek wading
old mud filled shoe
trapped

kitchen table
corn on the cob
fresh conversation

family dinner
butter dripping from cobs
fresh conversation

harvest dinner
fresh conversation
over corn on the cob

harvest dinner
her news from town
over corn on the cob

Fresh Conversation
Summer sweat corn
Worn old table

Steaming corn on the cob
At the kitchen table
Enjoying a fresh conversation

With this haiku I thought that there needed to be more words to describe the smells, place, and feeling. So I added “steaming” to give the corn more of an effect. Then I put “at the…” just to make the setting the place stand out a little bit more. And finally, I wanted to have the reader sense some feelings while thinking about the new conversations that someone would have with they haven’t seen someone in a while. For example like when college kids come home, there is always great home cooking and there are all of these new stories that are being thrown around. It is a time to just enjoy it, enjoy the fresh conversations that are going on. Matt

bright yellow kernels
against red checks
alive with conversation

magical
a dream of all dreams
washed away in the rain

washed away in the rain
a dream of all dreams
magical

the pouring rain
washes away
dreams

sorrow-laden
his soul dream
washed away in the rain

magical wonderland
a dream of all dreams
washed away in the rain